This Space For Lease
by AberrantBlade
Summary: Only nominally a Pokémon story, this was to answer a challenge given on a fanfiction mailing list! Maybe you've heard of it, maybe you've even read it. But here it is! The murder mystery that never really has a murder! Wait! Ch. 6 does! NOOO!!!
1. Seven Bed, Five Bath, Zero Sanity

This Space For Lease

By AberrantBlade (Baz4§hort)

This is an original story. It was written for a Pokémon fanfiction mailing list and never completed. It is only nominally a Pokémon fanfic. You will not find any crazed Pokémon running amok. I don't really like Pokémon anymore. Don't mail me with complaints about the lack of Pokémon and Pokémon references. Also, some of the gags may be a bit dated by now, it's been awhile since this has seen the light of day…

Disclaimer: I don't own the main & secondary characters in Pokémon. Game Freak, Creatures Inc. & Nintendo do. I do, however, own the original characters that are mine. I can't say that I own anyone else's OCs. The tumbleweed is the property, copyright, trademark, whatever of Darth David & Mooman, who let me use their tumbleweed with their permission. Just 'cause I can use it doesn't mean you can: Ask the owners of original characters if you can use their characters. In short, anything in this story that isn't someone else's is mine, OK? If you have any MP3s that you want to send me, SHUT UP AND SEND THEM ALREADY!!! ...sorry. I'll start the story now.

Cast

Tom (First Kid)

Dick (Second Kid)

Harry (Third Kid)

Reginald (The Butler)

Amos (Cannon Fodder 1)

Bernie (C/F 2)

Carl (C/F 3)

Drew (C/F 4)

Ed (C/F 5)

Fred (C/F 6)

Mr. Grumpy Old Man (Grampa)

Darth David & Mooman's Tumbleweed (BIG THANKS FOR THIS FAVOR!)

Dr. Dr. Prof. Spangle (Bad Man 1)

Prof. Killemall (Bad Man 2)

Dr. Guntohead (Bad Man 3)

The Stapler (Bad Man 4)

The Really Big Bureaucratic Pizza Co. Ltd. Corp. Representative (Bad Man 5)

Big Evil Scary Man (Bad Man 6)

Boggy B's Body (Bad Man 7)

Xab21 (Bad Man 8)

(9 naM daB) yoB sdrawkcaB

Various Artists

Batteries Not Included

Some Assembly Required

30-Day Warranty

* * *

[BeeAichEcks logo clip: The audience is stoned.]

[Baz4§hort Productions logo clip]

[dramatic music]

[fade into shot of a big mansion. Dark night, thunder, clouds, the usual murder mystery opening scene. Pan slowly to the right to a smaller mansion in sunlight with butterflies and bees flitting around, shortly followed by title screen on signpost from right side of screen: THIS SPACE FOR LEASE]

Day One

Seven Bed, Five Bath, Zero Sanity

[pan down slightly to show three kids walking up the scarily straight path to the frighteningly friendly-looking house. {EASTER EGG: A small sign almost below camera level reads: 'If you think there's sarcasm in this screenplay, you win thirty thousand pairs of scissors.'} Opening credits unroll: Executive Producer: Jim Smith, Director: Joe Doe, Ano Nimous as the Hopping Woman, etc. Cut to front door where first kid rings the doorbell. {EASTER EGG: The mailbox next to the door has a note tacked to it reading 'f u cn rd ths u cnt spl'} A tall butler with bloodstains on his suit and a medieval battleaxe behind his back opens the door.]

Harry (Third Kid): I KNEW IT! THE BUTLER DID IT!

Dick (Second Kid): Jumping the gun a little, maybe?

Reginald (Butler): Whatever do you mean? I was merely near the door, polishing Sir Andrew's suit of armor and weapons when you came knocking. Forgive the blood, I was helping in the slaughterhouse earlier. Do come in, and...watch out for the bat doo-doo.

Harry: What bat doo-doo? [squelching sound] [looks down] Oh...that...bat...doo-doo. {EASTER EGG: The bat doo-doo is made from top-quality Kitum Cave [see The Hot Zone] bat guano. Several workers died of the Marburg/Ebola filovirus while gathering the doo-doo. No bats were harmed during the making of this screenplay.}

Tom (First Kid): Ewwww. You stepped in it.

Harry: Naaah, you think? [tries in vain to get it off his shoe]

Dick: Ya know...you can eat guano.

Harry: Eewwwwww! You're disgusting!

Tom: I heard it tastes like fruit paste.

Harry: For all you know, it could taste like toothpaste!

Tom: Ewwwwww...Anyway, we're here about the room.

Reginald: The floors creak, the windows leak, the walls were painted wrong, but if you really want it, we'll take a dance and a song.

Dick: [dances around skillfully] 'Ohhhh, I wish I was in the land of cotton-'

[Harry hands Dick a classic cartoon black bomb with the fuse lit; Dick screams and runs off]

Harry: It's a figure of speech, dingus. Okay, stale-fish, how much...and no rhymes, please.

[Kaboom]

Reginald: It's 70 dollars a week, including meals. You'll have the Slapstick Suite, if that means anything to you.

Dick [back and carbonized from the explosion]: The Slapstick Suite? The one decorated with snapshots of the greatest comedy teams in history that has been published in so many magazines it's not even funny anymore?

Reginald: You know of it?

Dick: [long pause in which the tumbleweed, taking a brief respite from Darth David and Mooman's 'Grenades Are For Throwing, Not Eating', a fine and respectable Scottish Pokémon fanfic (snort, laugh), slowly rolls on by to the delight of audiences around the world] No, I took a guess.

[Another long pause in which Reginald silently considers the meaning of life and hums Prokofiev's "Romeo & Juliet" to himself. The tumbleweed would have rolled past again, but it and Baz4§hort were busy brawling it out on Jerry Springer (Topic: My Producer Doesn't Give Me Top Billing). And now for something completely the same: a butler and three kids asking about a room.]

Tom: Okay. We have enough for two months at that rate. You have a deal.

Reginald: There's one major event you might have a problem with...the Annual International Butler Convention is being held here six days from now.

[music not too unlike the shower music from 'Psycho' plays]

Harry: AHHH! ARMAGEDDON HAS COME UPON US!!!! HELP! GET THE SWAT TEAM! GET THE SHOTGUNS AND TASERS! SET THE PHASERS ON KILL! DARN THE TORPEDOES AND LOCK 'N LOAD![dashes off screaming nonsense to anyone and everyone within a three-mile radius.]

Reginald: Is your friend all right...up here?[taps the side of his head]

Dick: He's watched too many murder mysteries.

Tom: But we're in one right now.

Dick: No we're not. We're in this mansion with a crackpot and a stalefish and Lord knows who else. The floor is coated with guano and I can't breathe. Get me to this Slapstick Suite before I turn blue and become a vegetarian zombie.


	2. Slapstick, Shticks, and Running Gags

This Space For Lease

By AberrantBlade (Baz4§hort)

This is an original story. It was written for a Pokémon fanfiction mailing list and never completed. It is only nominally a Pokémon fanfic. You will not find any crazed Pokémon running amok. I don't really like Pokémon anymore. Don't mail me with complaints about the lack of Pokémon and Pokémon references. Also, some of the gags may be a bit dated by now, it's been awhile since this has seen the light of day…

Disclaimer: I don't own the main & secondary characters in Pokémon. Game Freak, Creatures Inc. & Nintendo do. I do, however, own the original characters that are mine. I can't say that I own anyone else's OCs. The tumbleweed is the property, copyright, trademark, whatever of Darth David & Mooman, who let me use their tumbleweed with their permission. Just 'cause I can use it doesn't mean you can: Ask the owners of original characters if you can use their characters. In short, anything in this story that isn't someone else's is mine, OK? If you have any MP3s that you want to send me, SHUT UP AND SEND THEM ALREADY!!! ...sorry. I'll start the story now.

Cast

Tom (First Kid)

Dick (Second Kid)

Harry (Third Kid)

Reginald (The Butler)

Amos (Cannon Fodder 1)

Bernie (C/F 2)

Carl (C/F 3)

Drew (C/F 4)

Ed (C/F 5)

Fred (C/F 6)

Mr. Grumpy Old Man (Grampa)

Darth David & Mooman's Tumbleweed (BIG THANKS FOR THIS FAVOR!)

Dr. Dr. Prof. Spangle (Bad Man 1)

Prof. Killemall (Bad Man 2)

Dr. Guntohead (Bad Man 3)

The Stapler (Bad Man 4)

The Really Big Bureaucratic Pizza Co. Ltd. Corp. Representative (Bad Man 5)

Big Evil Scary Man (Bad Man 6)

Boggy B's Body (Bad Man 7)

Xab21 (Bad Man 8)

(9 naM daB) yoB sdrawkcaB

Various Artists

Batteries Not Included

Some Assembly Required

30-Day Warranty

* * *

[BeeAichEcks logo clip: The audience is stoned.]

[Baz4§hort Productions logo clip]

[dramatic music]

[fade into shot of a big mansion. Dark night, thunder, clouds, the usual murder mystery opening scene. Pan slowly to the right to a smaller mansion in sunlight with butterflies and bees flitting around, shortly followed by title screen on signpost from right side of screen: THIS SPACE FOR LEASE]

Day 2

Slapstick, Shticks, and Running Gags

[Pan across the Slapstick Suite, wallpapered with b/w photos of famous comedy teams and decorated with cartoon gadgets like oversized mallets, large appliances with cartoon-character imprints embedded into the bottoms and sides, extendo-gloves, cartons of black bombs, {EASTER EGG: Several frames have shots of the crew goofing off with clown outfits and paraphernalia including a shot of all the crew members with red clown noses, baggy pants and floppy shoes on. Baz4§hort was excluded due to extensive damage from the tumbleweed following a short appearance on various wrestling shows. Bloody legal battles followed.} ACME crates & anvils. Cut to a bed-that-looks-like-the-slab-that-Frankenstein-was-zapped-on, upon which Tom is sleeping on.

Tom: [yawns] Uhhhh...must speak to Reggie about that bed. Huhwhatthe...[extendo-glove punches towards Tom's face] Ack! [barely dodges punch which hits buzzer behind bed, causing bed to tilt forwards and...shoot Tom up a tube in the ceiling (HAH! Gotcha there!).]

[Cut to dining room, where the opposite end of the tube points down at a chair tilted back; Tom shoots out and lands in chair, which skids across the floor exactly in front of the table.]

Tom: Oof! Owww... [rubs his sore rump]

[Scream from inside the tube] [Dick comes flying out onto another chair, which slides to the table with equal accuracy.]

Dick: [gasps for a moment, then has a silly smile on his face] Whee.

Tom: Where's-

[Thump, followed by a muffled cry for help from the tube]

Dick: I'm not exactly sure, but I think that's him. Should I get a plunger?

Tom: Plunger? Try a compressed air blast to clear the tube. Or dynamite could do it.

Dick: Or a really big vacuum cleaner.

[Enter Reginald in the background]

Reginald: I assure you, none of those methods are necessary. You simply must increase the power of the suction, and- [increased whirring sound, followed by a sonic boom as Harry flies out the tube and onto the table and knocking over candlesticks, fruit bowls, centerpieces and even a raccoon that got there because of a time-space continuum flux before slamming into the mantle of the big fireplace and letting fly with a whopping big fart. Tom puts the ubiquitous clothespin on his nose while Dick turns green and flatlines.] -see?

Dick [miraculously revived from the fart's lethality]: What's for breakfast?

Reginald: You have your choice of poisoned omelet, poisoned pancakes, poisoned French toast, or leftover meatloaf.

Tom: Omelet.

Harry [sitting down next to Dick]: Do you have any non-poisoned food?

Reginald: The omelet is poisoned with cholesterol, the pancakes are poisoned with maple syrup, and the French toast has been poisoned with powdered sugar.

Harry: Ohh! Well, in that case, I'll have the French toast.

Dick: Not hungry.

[ringing bell]

Reginald: Ah! That will be the other guests!

Harry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up! Whaddaya mean, 'other guests'? You never said anything about other guests! And where's my French toast? Huh? Answer me, stalefish!

[a door of the dining room opens, and six people file out. Another door opens and reveals nine suspicious-looking guys, four of whom are wearing spandex.]

Reginald: May I introduce the 'Consolidated Foundry' team and the 'Perfectly Harmless World Domination Company (don't be fooled, we're really rough guys)'. They are lodging in the Prison Suite and the Suite with Weapons of Mass Destruction, respectively. Mr...Bernard, was it?

Bernie [tough-looking short guy with Mafia accent]: Yeah.

Reginald: Would you like to have a drink before breakfast?

Ed [seven-foot tall, blond hair, more curiosity than brains; recently lost out to a six-year-old in a tournament to explain the purpose of meaning]: I want eggs.

Bernie: Ya knucklehead, ya can't drink eggs.

Ed: [sadistically long pause] Okay. Bacon, then.

[Sitcom-like crowd laughter.]

Dick [aside to Tom]: I've probably sneezed more brain cells than that guy grew in a lifetime. IQ: -40.

{EASTER EGG: The place markers on the table are inscribed with bad jokes: "A bird in the hand is worth two bushes."; "Best when eaten before Aug. 31, 99000."; "Ten things I hate: 1-10: These jokes."; "Elvis isn't dead, he's the tumbleweed."; "Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't take the time to make friends." And such. Right as Ed sits down, the tumbleweed (taking a break from picketing Mooman & Darth David as a result of their suggesting that it should be discontinued, it got B4§ to take over for a while) sneaks up and rolls right over his face without him noticing. Forgive the overextended Easter egg and repeated references to the tumbleweed, B4§ is an @-hole. To quote DD&MM: "Anywayyyyyyyyy…"}

[The two sides sit down. Reginald returns with breakfast, then introduces each of the bad guys.]

Reginald: This is The Stapler, in charge of PHWDC supplies. Professor Killemall & Boggy B's Body, executives of the Dead Letter Office. Dr. Guntohead, negotiations. Xab21, who sits at a desk and plays Unreal Tournament all day because Baz4§hort is too lazy to think of something. -

{EASTER EGG: the following rant isn't in the theatrical version, so thhbt!}

Baz4§hort: What the frog? That's not in the script! Cut! CUT! Reggie, baby, whassa matta wichu? And why am I talking like a Hollywood big shot? And whom are we kidding here? Really, people, I can't work like this! [Punches a gofer] I'm going into my locker room for a nap. The tumbleweed'll do all the directing.

-The Really Big Pizza Company Limited Corporation Representative, in charge of not stocking the snack machines. Backwards Boy, in charge of producing complicated forms that gullible people sign. Big Evil Scary Man, bodyguard. And Dr. Dr. Prof. Nathaniel Spangle, CEO of the Perfectly Harmless World Domination Company.

Spangle: It's a pleasure meeting you three. By the way…you wouldn't be interested in some real estate, would you?

Reginald: I'd assume they'd want something with a view of a lake, NOT a swamp.

Spangle: Damn. You'd be surprised by how often that works. How about you, Ed?

Ed: Durrrrrrrr…I like cheese.

[Bernie & BES Man do a simultaneous dope slap on Ed.]

Tom: What's your area of expertise, Mr. Spangle?

Spangle: [scary accent] DOCTOR SPANGLE! My name is Doctor Spangle!

Tom: Anywho…What's your area of expertise?

Spangle: Weaponry…and electric toothbrushes……and frozen pizza.

Dick & Harry: [simultanee…simultaneo…simulatte…at the same time] Frozen pizza?

Spangle: Is there an echo in here?

[Echoing 'In here…here…here…here…']

Spangle: Yes, I smoke frozen pizzas.

Bernie: That must be extremely messy. How do you do it, squirt some lighter fluid onto the end and light that sucker up?

[Spangle looks at Bernie closely.]

Spangle: Noooo…I defrost the pizza over a mesquite- & hickory-fueled fire. The pizza absorbs some of the smoke's flavor as it defrosts and cooks. It's really quite good. You should try it. Now if you'll excuse me, I must remove myself from here. Mr. Edward, would you like to see some of my choice plots of land?

Ed: …Duhhh, Bernie, what does this button do? [indicates a big red button labeled 'DO NOT PUSH IF YOUR NAME IS ED']

Bernie: Ed, if you press that button, you will become one with the bullet.

[Ed looks on blankly for a few seconds, then presses the button regardless of what Bernie said. The tumbleweed falls from the ceiling tied to a industrial-strength anvil and lands on Bernie's head. Visual FX stars shoot to both sides. Sound of a _clunk_.]

Bernie [muffled voice]: I'm nt qyt ded yt!

Tom: Let's get out of here before this murder mystery involves our own!

Dick: This isn't a murder mystery!

Tom: What do you call it?

Dick: A homicide drama.

Tom: Whatever.


	3. Backstage at TSFL

This Space For Lease

By AberrantBlade (Baz4§hort)

This is an original story. It was written for a Pokémon fanfiction mailing list and never completed. It is only nominally a Pokémon fanfic. You will not find any crazed Pokémon running amok. I don't really like Pokémon anymore. Don't mail me with complaints about the lack of Pokémon and Pokémon references. Also, some of the gags may be a bit dated by now, it's been awhile since this has seen the light of day…

Disclaimer: I don't own the main & secondary characters in Pokémon. Game Freak, Creatures Inc. & Nintendo do. I do, however, own the original characters that are mine. I can't say that I own anyone else's OCs. The tumbleweed is the property, copyright, trademark, whatever of Darth David & Mooman, who let me use their tumbleweed with their permission. Just 'cause I can use it doesn't mean you can: Ask the owners of original characters if you can use their characters. In short, anything in this story that isn't someone else's is mine, OK? If you have any MP3s that you want to send me, SHUT UP AND SEND THEM ALREADY!!! ...sorry. I'll start the story now.

Cast

Tom (First Kid)

Dick (Second Kid)

Harry (Third Kid)

Reginald (The Butler)

Amos (Cannon Fodder 1)

Bernie (C/F 2)

Carl (C/F 3)

Drew (C/F 4)

Ed (C/F 5)

Fred (C/F 6)

Mr. Grumpy Old Man (Grampa)

Darth David & Mooman's Tumbleweed (BIG THANKS FOR THIS FAVOR!)

Dr. Dr. Prof. Spangle (Bad Man 1)

Prof. Killemall (Bad Man 2)

Dr. Guntohead (Bad Man 3)

The Stapler (Bad Man 4)

The Really Big Bureaucratic Pizza Co. Ltd. Corp. Representative (Bad Man 5)

Big Evil Scary Man (Bad Man 6)

Boggy B's Body (Bad Man 7)

Xab21 (Bad Man 8)

(9 naM daB) yoB sdrawkcaB

Various Artists

Batteries Not Included

Some Assembly Required

30-Day Warranty

* * *

[BeeAichEcks logo clip: The audience is stoned.]

[Baz4§hort Productions logo clip]

[dramatic music]

[fade into shot of a big mansion. Dark night, thunder, clouds, the usual murder mystery opening scene. Pan slowly to the right to a smaller mansion in sunlight with butterflies and bees flitting around, shortly followed by title screen on signpost from right side of screen: THIS SPACE FOR LEASE]

Day Two-And-Three-Quarters:

The Day In Which Really Complicated Stuff Happens That No One Can Understand How Said Complicated Stuff Happened

Or

Backstage At TSFL

[Cut to the Suite With Weapons of Mass Destruction. Napalm bombs adorn the room & the beds are made out of material recycled from the 'Enola Gay'. Ed is in front of a massive desk behind which sits Dr. Spangle.]

Spangle: Okay, Ed, here's a cozy cottage up in Alaska. It has walls and even _a ceiling_! Isn't that great?

Ed: Yah, ceilings are good.

Spangle: Great. Just sign here and it's yours.

[Ed picks up the feather pen & moves as though to sign the paper, pauses, then starts drawing childish scribbles all over the paper except for the 'Sign Here' spot. He makes _vrooom_ing sounds as if he's driving a car. He is about to draw an 'x' over the 'Sign Here' spot when a spinning light labeled "IGNORE UNLESS ABOUT TO SIGN AN UNFAIR CONTRACT" Before Spangle can say anything, Ed walks offstage to grab a cup of coffee and debate philosophy with the tumbleweed. Camera follows.]

Off-stage Ed [cultured & dignified voice]: Oh, good, they left some French Roast for me.

Tumbleweed: [unintelligible gibberish]

Off-stage Ed: I still believe that the upper-class entrepreneur has a firm grip on our society. Furthermore-

[Camera walks away from coffee maker and comes up to makeup stalls. Dick & Harry are talking.]

Dick: Look at this script! 'Stare blankly, admit this is a murder mystery.' Ishtar had a better script than this.

Harry: You think you're alone? I've gotta wear this stupid wig all day, wear glasses, act like a geek…who thought this up, anyway?!?

[B4§ walks up. Dick and Harry groan.]

B4§: Here are the revised scripts. I hope you'll enjoy them.

[Dick peruses the pages, then looks up in outrage.]

Dick: Act like a PENGUIN?! How many joints have you smoked today?

B4§: Would you rather act like a penguin or admit this is a murder mystery?

Dick: I…He…You…They…It…Cheese…don't dodge the question! 

[Camera picks up and moves again, this time to the electric controls. Bernie & Tom talking.]

Off-stage Bernie [southern drawl]: How much y'all gettin' fer this?

Tom: Eighteen grand, minus taxes.

Off-stage Bernie: Eighteen thousan'? I got more than that from my terbacker plantation last year!

Tom: You have a tobacco plantation?

Off-stage Bernie: SHHHHH!!! Keep it down!

[Camera picks up and moves back to the stage, where Spangle & Ed were sitting exactly the same as before.]

Ed: 'Scuze me, Mister Spangle Man-Guy-Thing, I've got to go meet someone.

Spangle: Go right ahead.

[Ed walks offstage again, but camera does not follow him. Tom pops onto the screen from stage left, Dick from stage right.]

Tom: Murder mystery.

Dick: No it's not. Good night folks.

[TSFL theme plays as the cement curtain falls and crushes everyone below it.]


	4. I See Dumb People...

This Space For Lease

By AberrantBlade (Baz4§hort)

This is an original story. It was written for a Pokémon fanfiction mailing list and never completed. It is only nominally a Pokémon fanfic. You will not find any crazed Pokémon running amok. I don't really like Pokémon anymore. Don't mail me with complaints about the lack of Pokémon and Pokémon references. Also, some of the gags may be a bit dated by now, it's been awhile since this has seen the light of day…

Disclaimer: I don't own the main & secondary characters in Pokémon. Game Freak, Creatures Inc. & Nintendo do. I do, however, own the original characters that are mine. I can't say that I own anyone else's OCs. The tumbleweed is the property, copyright, trademark, whatever of Darth David & Mooman, who let me use their tumbleweed with their permission. Just 'cause I can use it doesn't mean you can: Ask the owners of original characters if you can use their characters. In short, anything in this story that isn't someone else's is mine, OK? If you have any MP3s that you want to send me, SHUT UP AND SEND THEM ALREADY!!! ...sorry. I'll start the story now.

Cast

Tom (First Kid)

Dick (Second Kid)

Harry (Third Kid)

Reginald (The Butler)

Amos (Cannon Fodder 1)

Bernie (C/F 2)

Carl (C/F 3)

Drew (C/F 4)

Ed (C/F 5)

Fred (C/F 6)

Mr. Grumpy Old Man (Grampa)

Darth David & Mooman's Tumbleweed (BIG THANKS FOR THIS FAVOR!)

Dr. Dr. Prof. Spangle (Bad Man 1)

Prof. Killemall (Bad Man 2)

Dr. Guntohead (Bad Man 3)

The Stapler (Bad Man 4)

The Really Big Bureaucratic Pizza Co. Ltd. Corp. Representative (Bad Man 5)

Big Evil Scary Man (Bad Man 6)

Boggy B's Body (Bad Man 7)

Xab21 (Bad Man 8)

(9 naM daB) yoB sdrawkcaB

Various Artists

Batteries Not Included

Some Assembly Required

30-Day Warranty

* * *

[BeeAichEcks logo clip: The audience is stoned.]

[Baz4§hort Productions logo clip]

[dramatic music]

[fade into shot of a big mansion. Dark night, thunder, clouds, the usual murder mystery opening scene. Pan slowly to the right to a smaller mansion in sunlight with butterflies and bees flitting around, shortly followed by title screen on signpost from right side of screen: THIS SPACE FOR LEASE]

Day…Uhh…I Lost Count

I See Dumb People

[Cut to a very dark room. No definite shapes can be seen. A door opens with a loud creak, letting in a small amount of light, but not enough to really illuminate anything. Reginald's silhouette can be seen in the doorway.]

Mysterious Voice (raspy and yet full-bodied): Is everything ready?

Reginald: Yes, sir.

Mysterious Voice: Goooooood. Then it's going all according to plan. Muahahahaha! MUAHAHAH-cough hack choke

Reginald: Do you need something to drink, sir?

M.V.: SHUDDAP! And go prepare my 'instruments'!

Reginald: NO! Not…the 'instruments'!!

M.V.: Yes!…The…'INSTRUMENTS'!!!

[Dramatic music. Door shuts abruptly. Cut back to Slapstick Suite. Camera faces Tom, sitting in a chair facing his bed.]

Tom: What's the matter with you? Every night, you come over to my room and spend the night! What's your problem?

[Switch cameras to one facing the bed, with Carl occupying it. He's under the sheets, holding the blanket and quivering.]

Carl: I see dumb people…all the time…

[Sitcom laughter. Switch back to the camera behind Tom's bed.]

Tom: Do you see them now?

[Carl sits up, looks at the camera and nods his head slowly, still quaking. Suddenly, a very loud woman's scream breaks out and Tom busts out of the room. Cut to camera running backwards in front of Tom. Techno-type music suited for action scenes. {EASTER EGG: If you play this scene in super slow-motion, a subliminal message reading 'RATS' is seen on-screen 'cuz the editor accidentally spliced in part of the cancelled Democratic Party commercial. The person involved has been sacked.} Cut to yet _another_ camera in the Weapons of Mass Destruction Suite. Tom kicks in the door. BES Man is standing on a chair like one of the cartoon ladies of the '40s and '50s, screaming and pulling up an apron and all, all 'cuz of a little-@$$ mouse on the flo- {We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin: The editor in charge of editing TSFL has left in shame due to his inability to censor the profanity to a higher level. And there was much rejoicing. Yay. We now return to our regularly scheduled insanity. We see dumb people.} -or.]

Tom: What the phrog are you doing?

BES Man: [blinks several times] Err…nothing…I was just…ummm…protecting Dr. Spangle! Yeah, that's it! [draws his gun and fires several shots, all of which miss the mouse, which just looks at him strangely.] Oh please step into the crossfire! Pretty please with a cherry on top and diarhhea on the bottom?

Cast & Crew: [simlatuneeis…somlituneez…all together] EWWWWWWW!!!

[Suddenly, a UJC (unidentified jumping censor) jumps up and stamps a big 'x' over BES Man. He acts like he's been shot, gasping and staggering and tottering on the chair.]

BES Man: Lo! I have been ruptured by thy mighty weapon! Thus…I die. [He falls off the chair and the film goes slo-mo. There's an awesome slow 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!' as he's falling, which ceases as he hits the ground.]

[Dick walks in, acting like a penguin. Tom turns to him.]

Tom: He's dead. It's a murder mystery. NOW do you believe me?!

Dick: [speaks penguin talk, roughly translated as 'He's not quite dead yet.']

Mouse: [to itself] I see dumb people…all the time. They walk around like normal people. They don't know they're dumb.

Tom: Oh, SHUT UP! [smacks Dick upside the head, and feathers go flying everywhere, eventually fading to black.]


	5. The Reason Pokémon and Pokémon Character...

This Space For Lease

By AberrantBlade (Baz4§hort)

This is an original story. It was written for a Pokémon fanfiction mailing list and never completed. It is only nominally a Pokémon fanfic. You will not find any crazed Pokémon running amok. I don't really like Pokémon anymore. Don't mail me with complaints about the lack of Pokémon and Pokémon references. Also, some of the gags may be a bit dated by now, it's been awhile since this has seen the light of day…

Disclaimer: I don't own the main & secondary characters in Pokémon. Game Freak, Creatures Inc. & Nintendo do. I do, however, own the original characters that are mine. I can't say that I own anyone else's OCs. The tumbleweed is the property, copyright, trademark, whatever of Darth David & Mooman, who let me use their tumbleweed with their permission. Just 'cause I can use it doesn't mean you can: Ask the owners of original characters if you can use their characters. In short, anything in this story that isn't someone else's is mine, OK? If you have any MP3s that you want to send me, SHUT UP AND SEND THEM ALREADY!!! ...sorry. I'll start the story now.

Cast

Tom (First Kid)

Dick (Second Kid)

Harry (Third Kid)

Reginald (The Butler)

Amos (Cannon Fodder 1)

Bernie (C/F 2)

Carl (C/F 3)

Drew (C/F 4)

Ed (C/F 5)

Fred (C/F 6)

Mr. Grumpy Old Man (Grampa)

Darth David & Mooman's Tumbleweed (BIG THANKS FOR THIS FAVOR!)

Dr. Dr. Prof. Spangle (Bad Man 1)

Prof. Killemall (Bad Man 2)

Dr. Guntohead (Bad Man 3)

The Stapler (Bad Man 4)

The Really Big Bureaucratic Pizza Co. Ltd. Corp. Representative (Bad Man 5)

Big Evil Scary Man (Bad Man 6)

Boggy B's Body (Bad Man 7)

Xab21 (Bad Man 8)

(9 naM daB) yoB sdrawkcaB

Various Artists

Batteries Not Included

Some Assembly Required

30-Day Warranty

* * *

[BeeAichEcks logo clip: The audience is stoned.]

[Baz4§hort Productions logo clip]

[dramatic music]

[fade into shot of a big mansion. Dark night, thunder, clouds, the usual murder mystery opening scene. Pan slowly to the right to a smaller mansion in sunlight with butterflies and bees flitting around, shortly followed by title screen on signpost from right side of screen: THIS SPACE FOR LEASE]

Day…umm…(which fic is this again?)

The Reason Pokémon and Pokémon Characters Have Been Completely Omitted From TSFL To This Point

[Switch to outside of mansion, where pumpkins have magically appeared and kids are coming up the lane to collect three times their RDA of sugar. {EASTER EGG: The kids coming up the way are the crew members' kids, and in some cases, the crew members themselves.} Little did they know, the good-tasting-bad-for-you candy was replaced with bad-tasting-good-for-you fruit, and was promptly jettisoned by all but the little nerdy kids with a 3.8 GPA and acne. Cut to front door, where four unsuspecting kids and (you guessed it) a Pikachu are approaching the door. Who cares about secrecy at this point anyway? On with the insanity!]

Misty: Are you _sure_ this is the Pokémon center?

Ash: I can't tell, this map is in Greek!

Brock: Lemme see that! [snatches the map, then smacks Ash upside the head] You numbskull! You were holding it upside down!

Ash: Well, it's all Greek to me! [sitcom laughter]

Tracey: Who cares where we are? I need some quick carbos and empty calories to maintain my statuesque figure! [more sitcom laughter]

[Ash moves to ring the doorbell. {EASTER EGG: The sign that read 'f u cn rd ths u cnt spl' earlier now sez 'I live in a drawerrrrrr…'} Bling-bling, BEE-OTCH! (No joke, that's how the doorbell goes!) The door opens, and…REGGIE FALLS OUT WITH A BULLET HOLE IN HIS HEAD!!! Everyone screams, even the invincible mouse and the tumbleweed, who missed the previous Day to attend an intergalactic kegger. Tom and Dick fall out a nearby window.]

Tom: SEE! SEE! HE'S DEAD! IT'S A MURDER MYSTERY! THERE'S NO WAY TO DENY IT NOW!!!

[Dick points out (still in penguin) the lack of an exit wound, followed by Reggie's immediate standing up.]

Tom: Rackinfrackin varmint!

Reginald [wiping the phake blood off his forehead]: Excuse me for that small outburst, it IS Halloween and I have…issues.

Brock: Didja hear that, guys-[gets elbowed in the rib by Misty]-and GIRLS? We have met someone who has 'issues'!

Tracey [looking straight forward]: Uh-huh…right…

Ash: Which way is the Pokémon Center? We've had another heart-wrenching mishap documented on film and to be broadcast on the air next week, and need to make it to the Pokémon Center just in the nick of time to keep the kids watching the show every weekend.

Misty: Yeah, or else we don't get paid!

Brock [aside]: Shuddup…

Tracey: …Trick or treat!

[Baz4§hort and several pro wrestlers fall from a dimensional portal (It's called an AIRLINER, for chrissakes) and begin duking it out royally.]

Ash [looking at the ruckus]: Riiiiiiiiiight.

Reginald: First of all, this is 'This Space For Lease', not 'Pokémon'. Second, you are interfering with the filming of a major motion picture. [Three lies in a row: major motion picture] Third, we don't like your kind around here. So pick up and leave before I have to throttle your Pikachu.

[The Pokémon characters run away screaming, dragging TR behind them.]

Reginald: Stupid WB. Always trying to film the goings-on of the place.

[Goes to screen with silhouette of a hand with an extended middle finger. Stupid "Who's that Pokémon" BGM. Chorus: Who's that Pok-AYEEEE!! Screen is shredded by animal claws. Little kid: SHUT THE F*** UP! SFX: BANG BANGBANG BANG TH-THUMP. Goes back to previous camera's close-up on Reggie.]

Tom: But why are you so mean to 'em? I'm a trainer…sorta…

Reginald: Last time I checked, you weren't under contract to Warner Brothers.

Tom: No…I'm under contract to Baz4§hort Productions. So are you. So's Harry.

Reginald: But how much do you get paid per hour to act stupid? Less than 'Ash', I bet.

Tom: Yeah, I'm…Is that camera still running?!

Reginald: Hey Baz, is, ummm…is that gonna be part of the movie now?

B4§ [offstage]: Cut! Good take! Yeah, that's in the script. Don't worry about it too much.

Tom: Okay, you just want me to leave this stuff here?

B4§: Yeah, take five.


	6. The Day In Which Numerous People Die (Fo...

This Space For Lease

By AberrantBlade (Baz4§hort)

This is an original story. It was written for a Pokémon fanfiction mailing list and never completed. It is only nominally a Pokémon fanfic. You will not find any crazed Pokémon running amok. I don't really like Pokémon anymore. Don't mail me with complaints about the lack of Pokémon and Pokémon references. Also, some of the gags may be a bit dated by now, it's been awhile since this has seen the light of day…

Disclaimer: I don't own the main & secondary characters in Pokémon. Game Freak, Creatures Inc. & Nintendo do. I do, however, own the original characters that are mine. I can't say that I own anyone else's OCs. The tumbleweed is the property, copyright, trademark, whatever of Darth David & Mooman, who let me use their tumbleweed with their permission. Just 'cause I can use it doesn't mean you can: Ask the owners of original characters if you can use their characters. In short, anything in this story that isn't someone else's is mine, OK? If you have any MP3s that you want to send me, SHUT UP AND SEND THEM ALREADY!!! ...sorry. I'll start the story now.

Cast

Tom (First Kid)

Dick (Second Kid)

Harry (Third Kid)

Reginald (The Butler)

Amos (Cannon Fodder 1)

Bernie (C/F 2)

Carl (C/F 3)

Drew (C/F 4)

Ed (C/F 5)

Fred (C/F 6)

Mr. Grumpy Old Man (Grampa)

Darth David & Mooman's Tumbleweed (BIG THANKS FOR THIS FAVOR!)

Dr. Dr. Prof. Spangle (Bad Man 1)

Prof. Killemall (Bad Man 2)

Dr. Guntohead (Bad Man 3)

The Stapler (Bad Man 4)

The Really Big Bureaucratic Pizza Co. Ltd. Corp. Representative (Bad Man 5)

Big Evil Scary Man (Bad Man 6)

Boggy B's Body (Bad Man 7)

Xab21 (Bad Man 8)

(9 naM daB) yoB sdrawkcaB

Various Artists

Batteries Not Included

Some Assembly Required

30-Day Warranty

* * *

[BeeAichEcks logo clip: The audience is stoned.]

[Baz4§hort Productions logo clip]

[dramatic music]

[fade into shot of a big mansion. Dark night, thunder, clouds, the usual murder mystery opening scene. Pan slowly to the right to a smaller mansion in sunlight with butterflies and bees flitting around, shortly followed by title screen on signpost from right side of screen: THIS SPACE FOR LEASE]

Day Five?

The Day In Which Numerous People Die (For Real)

[Cut to sunny beach. Harry is lying on a beach chair sipping a margarita while scantily clad girls go by. Cut to real world, where Tom is shaking Harry back to consciousness]

Harry: [still groggy] You want me to put suntan lotion where?!?…[comes to his senses] Wha-?! Dammit man, why must you continually interrupt dreams where I'm gonna get pu-tang!

[Censor pops up]

Censor: We apologize for the inappropriate comment one of the characters has made. The script has been erectified…WHO TAMPERED WITH MY LINES?! Er-hum, ahem, the script has been _rec_tified. We now return you to the edited perversion…DAMN YOU PRANKSTERS!!…edited _version_ of our…I quit.

[He throws his papers in the air and leaves.]

Harry: And take your damn edited version with you!

Tom: [twirls a pen] It's aaaaaall in the wrist.

Harry: And in the sick mind. So why the phrog did you wake me up?

Tom: Dick hasn't left his room all night. I'm worried about him.

Harry: Is he…derr…sleeping?

Tom: I dunno.

Harry: So call him, mackerel!

Tom: [picks up phone and dials] What's with the fish references?

Harry: Dunno. Picked up a Handheld Guide to Fish and was hooked, so to speak.

Tom: [groans from the bad joke] Oiiii… [phone picks up] Hello?…………WHASSUP!!

All people in the house: [pick up the phone] WHASSUP?!?!!

[We apologize for the spontaneous Whassup reference. It's Budweiser and their ad company's fault for making such a catchy commercial. Blame them! Blame them!!! NOOOOO!!!! [is lynched]]

Tom: Blah. So what's up?

Dick: [over phone, duh] I'm hiding from someone.

Tom: Who?

Dick: It's…someone.

Tom: You don't know who he is do you?!

Dick: It's not a he, it's a she!

Harry: [excitedly] Does she have a sister?

Dick: Stay out of this!!

Harry: Awwwww…

Tom: Where was she last?

Dick: outside my door……

Tom: Why did you go to no capitals?

Dick: because i'm trying to stay quiet, and no caps helps, right?

Tom: Dummy. Be right there. [hangs up] Let's go Harry…Harry? [looks around, Harry's already gone]

[Cut to Harry running down the hall. Fast-paced techno music plays until somebody hits the turntables with a sledgehammer. Harry runs into Dick's door without seeing it, he's looking for the girl. Harry, with a flattened face, falls flat on his back.]

Reginald: [comes running] I knew something like this would happen.

Tom: [also comes running] Why? Because _this is a murder mystery_!?

Dick: [from behind door] It is not!!

Harry: [dazed and contused, hallucinating] You look awfully hot. Why don't you take off your clothes?

Tom: As much as the female fans out there would love that…no.

[A scream and a gunshot sound through the hallways. Everybody and their tumbleweed scramble to see the scene of the crime. Dr. Guntohead, negotiations, is lying there with a gun to his head.]

B4§: HOLD ON!! HOLD ON JUST A SECOND!! How predictable is this? I can't stand it! PROPS!!! Get this gun out of here and give him a serious weapon!!

[Dr. Guntohead, negotiations, is lying there with a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters-polar bear to his head.]

B4§: Now THAT'S unpredictable!

Tom: Wow. Struck down by 175% of animal fuzz.

Dr. Spangle: It is, as they say, a plot twist.

Tom: Well, it's Cannon Fodder 2, Bad Men 0 as we enter the final stretch. Who will survive the next 24 hours? Will Harry ever meet that girl? Does Dick have a chance to leave that room ever again? How did we get a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters polar bear in the studio prop room? The first three questions might be answered next time on TSFL!

[Logo fades in]

Tom Voice-over: The fourth one…only the tumbleweed knows.

B4§: HEY! WAIT!!!

Tom: Now what?!

[Logo is pushed off the screen by Baz]

B4§: The title is "NUMEROUS PEOPLE DIE", not "ONE PERSON DIES"!!

Xab21: Okay. Let's go about this sequentially. I'll be Dr. Guntohead. Now, I scream… [screams] …and somebody shoots me with a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters-polar bear. [is shot with a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters-polar bear and falls over]

Tom: Wow. That IS an accurate reenactment.

Dr. Killemall: Okay, let's go over that. Uh, Boggy B's Body, you sit here, you scream- [BBB screams] –and someone shoots you. [shoots him with a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters-polar bear, he falls over]

Tom: Okay! Numerous people are dead. Can we leave now??

B4§: [celebrates the death of his arch-nemesis Xab21] Huh? Oh yeah sure. Get the heck out of here.

Harry: [crawls in, in pain] has anyone seen an attractive girl around here?

All: No.

Harry: Eyoh…

[Logo lands on any hope of recovering sanity from this fic]

Reginald: WAIIIIIIT!!!

All: [groan] NOW WHAT?!?!

Reginald: Tomorrow's the sixth day!

All: SO?!?!

Reginald: Don't you remember what happens on the sixth day of the fic?

[logo explodes, recap footage of Day One rolls]

Reginald: [in footage] There's one major event you might have a problem with...the Annual International Butler Convention is being held here six days from now.

All: AWWWWW!!!

Reginald: [in reality] Does the camera make my face look fat?

All: BUGGER OFF, YOU!!!

Reginald: NO!!!

All: EYOH!!!

B4§: HEY!!! I FORGOT WE NEED TO DO STUFF BEFORE THE SIXTH DAY!!!

All: NO S*** SHERLOCK!!! [shoot B4§ with a chain-smoking half-yak half-caribou three-quarters-polar bear]

B4§: [dodges] WOW!!! YOU ALMOST MADE ME THINK YOU WERE SERIOUS!!!

All: EYOH!!!

Tom: WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?!?!

All: IT'S FUN!!!

Tom: [takes away the megaphones issued out at the beginning of the shoot] Now quit it!

B4§: NOW W- Now wait just a second, I have a plan. Everyone go home or to your trailers, get as much sleep as you can. Hey, that rhymed! Anyway, I will negotiate the necessary poo tonight. Tumbleweed, you'll do manual labor. Reggie, get in touch with every butler you know, tell them to get their tuxedo-clad booties down here. Harry- PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT, TUMBLEWEED!!! [cracks a whip] Harry, go take a breather outside, you look like you need it.

Harry: Heh hEh…yeAh…bReeaaaaTHeR… [stumbles out] YIPE!!! AMBUSH!!!

Tom: Uh…Harry?………Harry???

B4§: Figures. I ask for Harry No-Name and they give me a Famous Harry.

Tom: Huh?…You don't mean Harry-

B4§: Shh! You wanna get sued? [picks up Harry's blond wig, black hairs abound inside] Draw your own conclusions, folks. We can't do it for you. BACK TO WORK, TUMBLEWEED!!!


	7. Backstage At TSFL Part 2

This Space For Lease

By AberrantBlade (Baz4§hort)

This is an original story. It was written for a Pokémon fanfiction mailing list and never completed. It is only nominally a Pokémon fanfic. You will not find any crazed Pokémon running amok. I don't really like Pokémon anymore. Don't mail me with complaints about the lack of Pokémon and Pokémon references. Also, some of the gags may be a bit dated by now, it's been awhile since this has seen the light of day…

Disclaimer: I don't own the main & secondary characters in Pokémon. Game Freak, Creatures Inc. & Nintendo do. I do, however, own the original characters that are mine. I can't say that I own anyone else's OCs. The tumbleweed is the property, copyright, trademark, whatever of Darth David & Mooman, who let me use their tumbleweed with their permission. Just 'cause I can use it doesn't mean you can: Ask the owners of original characters if you can use their characters. In short, anything in this story that isn't someone else's is mine, OK? If you have any MP3s that you want to send me, SHUT UP AND SEND THEM ALREADY!!! ...sorry. I'll start the story now.

Cast

Tom (First Kid)

Dick (Second Kid)

Harry (Third Kid)

Reginald (The Butler)

Amos (Cannon Fodder 1)

Bernie (C/F 2)

Carl (C/F 3)

Drew (C/F 4)

Ed (C/F 5)

Fred (C/F 6)

Mr. Grumpy Old Man (Grampa)

Darth David & Mooman's Tumbleweed (BIG THANKS FOR THIS FAVOR!)

Dr. Dr. Prof. Spangle (Bad Man 1)

Prof. Killemall (Bad Man 2)

Dr. Guntohead (Bad Man 3)

The Stapler (Bad Man 4)

The Really Big Bureaucratic Pizza Co. Ltd. Corp. Representative (Bad Man 5)

Big Evil Scary Man (Bad Man 6)

Boggy B's Body (Bad Man 7)

Xab21 (Bad Man 8)

(9 naM daB) yoB sdrawkcaB

Various Artists

Batteries Not Included

Some Assembly Required

30-Day Warranty

* * *

[BeeAichEcks logo clip: The audience is stoned.]

[Baz4§hort Productions logo clip]

[dramatic music]

[fade into shot of a big mansion. Dark night, thunder, clouds, the usual murder mystery opening scene. Pan slowly to the right to a smaller mansion in sunlight with butterflies and bees flitting around, shortly followed by title screen on signpost from right side of screen: THIS SPACE FOR LEASE]

Day Not Quite Five, Not Quite Six

Men (And Tumbleweed) at Work

Or

Backstage at TSFL 2

[Shot of everyone working overtime on Day Six. Pan to B4§ working on paperwork for TSFL. Eventually he stands up and decides to engage in the Official TSFL Off-Task Sport of Champions: walking over and bothering his sister, a fellow fanfic author, whose name has been edited out for security reasons.]

B4§: Hi Faronon!

[Stupid editors.]

Faronon: GAAACK!! What are you doing here?!

B4§: Taking a break. What are you doing?

Faronon: Writing a story so GO AVAY!!

B4§: This explains the pile of corpses and shrine to Mamoru Kusanagi…

[Mail courier runs by, leaving an envelope in B4§'s hands. He opens it.]

Faronon: Whazzat?

B4§: [reads it] It's a financial report. According to this, the TSFL fund is down to $22.50 in the bank and a llama in the backyard.

Faronon: [blankly] We have a llama?

B4§: But only on alternate days. Otherwise, it's a 1972 Harley-Davidson and $800 million buckaroos. How's the next Chrono Cross Meets… coming?

Faronon: [deadpan] Don't ask.

B4§: That bad?

[Serge flies past with a lampshade on his head and a bottle of tequila in his hand]

Serge: Whooooooooooo! Party on, people!

B4§: Oh yes. Definitely that bad.

Faronon: [deadpan] Uh huh.

B4§: Right. Go back to your story.

[Still stymied with his paperwork, Baz4§hort trods over to the payphone and calls Reggie.]

Reginald: [over phone] Fifteen minutes. [click]

[Back at his desk, B4§ cracks his whip at the tumbleweed again before settling into paperwork. Seven seconds later, B4§ whips out his bass guitar and opens up on a tune. Various people eventually grab instruments and begin to play along. They manage to play a pretty good rendition of System of a Down's "Spiders" with the rest of the cast/crew doing a choir for the vocals before the doors to the studio are hit with what sounds like a battering ram]

B4§: What the phrog? [The doors buckle] Hit the decks!

[The doors break open and butlers of every size, shape, color, language, shoe size, brain size, mouth size, foot-to-mouth ratio, tuxedo size, and guano color on shoes stampede the set, led by Reggie]

Reginald: ONWARD MY COMRADES!! ONWARD TO VICTORY!!!

B4§: WTF are you doing?

Reginald: Egging them on to death and destruction. This is a murder mystery, after all.

Dick: [from across the set] No it isn't!!

B4§: Bloody hell! This isn't a butler convention! This is the Alcatraz Butler's Prison Outpatient Day!

Reginald: It's not that unruly…

[A butler runs by, naked and screaming. B4§ goes nuts.]

B4§: I KNEW DAY SIX WAS GONNA BE HELL!!!

[A bell rings. People gasp and start running for cover, and so begins…]


End file.
